Laundry List = Dryer Blues

I don't mind doing laundry, really I don't.

What I can't do is fold. My folded jeans look like either seaweed you find washed up on the beach, or a bad facelift on a sunny day. One leg is always shorter than the other, so I end up walking with a limp and slightly tilted to one side.

When I try folding a shirt, it ends up looking like the one of the losers in an Ultimate Fighting championshionship.

I think my dryer is the problem, because my clothes always come out much too dry. I know they're too dry because I get shocked every time I touch a sock. But tomorrow I'm unplugging the dryer, so my clothes can dry naturally, after I put them on.

Maybe I'll start getting a better fit and besides, I'm tired of having the dryer eat my favorite socks.

Emergency Numbers That Work

Emergency

Telephone Numbers

These are more effective than 911. Call when . . .

You are sad, phone John 14

You have sinned, phone Psalm 51

You are facing danger, phone Psalm 91

People have failed you, phone Psalm 27

It feels as though God is far from you, phone Psalm 139

Your faith needs stimulation, phone Hebrews 11

You are worried, phone Matthew 8:19–34

You are seeking peace, phone Matthew 1

You are losing hope, phone Psalm 126

ALTERNATE NUMBERS

Paul’s secret for happiness, phone Colossians 3:12-17

For dealing with fear, call Psalm 3:47

For security, call Psalm 121:3

For reassurance, call Psalm 145:18

TOTAL Male Empowerment!

After naming my future kids and then deciding what they'll look like, I might as well collate all the fixin's and pick out the Total Mom Package (this promises to be the fun part) so I can be done with the whole thing, and start worrying about something else.

Starting from the top ... meet my Miss Perfect:

Hair: no clear preference- anything between blonde & brunette; length no consideration, so long as it's free of adhesive labels and nesting insects

Face: no obvious resemblance to crustaceans or carnivorous predators ... and no facial growth that can't be cured with outpatient surgery in a single visit

Eyes: my heart skips a beat every time I meet a woman who can make each eye move in a different direction at the same time; not sure why but I'm serious. Bonus Points if each eye is a different color

Height: So long as she doesn't have to climb a ladder to scratch the dog's back, being vertically-challenged is not a consideration. (I don't mind unusually tall women either, so long as they can't bench press more than me)

Weight: definitely must weigh more than a 50lb flour sack but less than I do after a 3-day donut binge

Ethnicity: Non-bovine preferred

Intelligence: must know the difference between a book and a bird bath

Patience: more than Job's a requirement

Figure: (we'll figure something out ...Hee hee; sorry)

Sense of Humor:
-I'd swim to Europe for a girl who showed me pictures of the lobster suit she wore to her high school reunion
-I'd be hugely attracted to a woman who enjoyed greeting new dinner guests with a broccoli sprout up her nose; also women who address teenagers with, "What was that, professor?"
-If I go into a really upscale restaurant with a woman who marches right up to the Hostess and asks, "What happened to your drive through?"... then I'm just putty in her hands (and don't mind buying, even if it is only our sixth date)

Definite Deal Makers:
-loves dogs, elephants, dolphins, giraffes and talking birds ... especially well-done
-ability to diagnose ignition problems and overhaul Land Rover cylinder heads using only hand tools
-demonstrates her commitment to "saving the environment" by taking out the trash
-feels "most attractive" when mowing with a John Deere

Preferably She Doesn't ...
-have credit cards, a second mortgage, or class-action lawsuits pending against her
-have relatives who address me by her ex's name, on purpose
-isn't familiar with more than two (2) parole officers on a first-name basis
-during church, announce "Amen!" louder than anyone besides me can hear

Definite Deal Breakers:
-tusks
-Must not have an ex-boyfriend I recognize from posters at the post office
-Must not insist upon exchanging wedding vows at the Jockey Lot
-Must have zero interest in "checking her Ebay auctions" during our honeymoon
-Must not believe professional wrestling is fake
-Doesn't tithe with a VISA card, or make change from the offerings bucket

SawStop It ... and I mean Right Now!

PS. After 8 hours of watching the SawStop video, I've almost made up my mind.

I'm not sure I'd wanna be the guy to feed my finger into the SawStop, but somebody oughtta step up and prove this thing's got the juice. That's all.

Committed ... or no?

This is the kinda thing I'll dwell on for days if I'm not careful.

Head over to this site and look on the left for the "Video Demo" buttons, then click whichever one you prefer to see the 13-second demonstration video.

http://www.sawstop.com/

The SawStop looks like a really great safety device; I'm not kidding, it's amazing. But then I start thinking ... like, did they "burn" any weenies before this one?

I'm just not sure about using a hot dog either, ya know? Using an Oscar Meyer shows me this guy's involved with the product ... but using a real finger would've demonstrated absolute faith and committment ... heh heh, I'm just saying.

Aah, well. I'll probably watch it another 50 or 60 times, and then forget about it.

Actual Photos of My Kidz

Thought I was kidding?

Right now the satisfaction of having named my kids has me more wired than Jamie Simpson on an all-day hair binge.

But here's the actual un-doctored photos of Commander and Arabella, including one taken en route to my surprise birthday party in March 2031.

Gosh, what great kidz I've got ...

Misc Wild Thang & Other Stuff

Always pays to be prepared, right? That's why folks who aren't even dating have already decided on names for their kids.

Not being much different from anyone else, I've picked some names, too.

Boy: Commander
1st Runner-Up: Lockheed-Martin

All the other names I liked involved either construction materials (i.e. Brick, Hammer) or numbers (P-38 Lightning), so I feel safe sticking with Commander.

Girl: Arabella

You're shocked, right? Thought I'd pick "Conchita" or "Citizen" and so did I until yesterday. But now Arabella feels so right.

Conchita started sounding too much like a wrapped sandwich, or a Cuban fried banana.

Citizen would likely move to New York and become some kind of political activist who told her friends she left home because I was a professional wrestler.

But Arabella sounds tall, dark and faithful.

Yeah, I'm real comfortable with Commander and Arabella. Now that names are outta the way, tomorrow I'm picking out what they'll look like.

The Greatest Movie Never Made

When's the last time a silent movie left you stunned?

Screened to a hand-picked audience in 1924 Eric von Stroheim's 10-hour long epic Greed was heralded as the greatest, most powerful film ever made. But almost immediately after the screening MGM prodction chief Irving Thalberg seized both the print and the negatives, ordered Greed cut to two hours, and destroyed both the original version and Von Stroheim's negatives.

25 year old Thalberg, the MGM boy wonder who later predicted "talking movies will never last," was largely responsible for creating movie production as we know it ... the "unit production management scheme", which splits productions into "units" thus spreading out the creative control of a film among producers, directors, etc.

Which goes a long way to explain why studio films are often so bad.

The destruction of the original version is regarded as the greatest single loss in movie history ... uncovering an original unedited 8-10 hour version of Greed would be the equivalent of finding the "holy grail" of filmmkaing.

In 1999 Greed was re-released in both 4 and 6-hour reconstructed versions. Do yourself a favor and commit to watching either one ... you'll never feel the same way about Road Trip again.


Quotes Worth Quoting:

"Credit you give yourself is not worth having". -Irving Thalberg (Thalberg refused to have his name included in film credits)

"In a business in which few men had the courage of their convictions, I decided that if I made them do things my way they would never know if their way would have been better."
-Irving Thalberg

"When I saw how the censor mutilated my picture Greed which I did really with my
whole heart, I abandoned all my ideals to create real art pictures and made pictures
to order from now on." - Eric Von Stroheim

"Since when does a boy tell a genius how to work?" -Eric Von Stroheim

[on seeing the two-hour version of Greed (1924), rather than the whole film] "It was like viewing a corpse in a graveyard".

[Dying in bed, telling his biographer] "This is not the worst, the worst is that they stole twenty-five years from my life..."

Chia Pets - How Big's the Risk?

Americans' fascation with "Chia Pets" may have waned 15 years ago, but apparently the public's craving for inexpensive automobile replacement parts has combined with the tiny seedlings to spark a potential world-wide economic crisis with long-term consequences unlike anything seen since the 1820s. And many experts believe this is just the tip of the chia iceberg.

Last week investigators from the Department of Health and Environmental Control (DHEC), responding to an anonymous tip, discovered a massive illegal chia auto parts farm facility near Iva, South Carolina. Naturally camoflauged to blend with its environment, officials speculate the 450-acre chia "chop shop" may have been in operation since the late 1990s, and supplied counterfeit chia auto replacement parts to unwitting consumers throughout the eastern seaboard.

The demand for homegrown chia alternatives has sky-rocketed in recent years because manufacturers like GM, Jeep and Yugo have been unable to meet consumer demand for inexpensive factory-original parts like brake rotors, oxygen sensors and wheel covers. The price difference between a genuine part and a counterfeit is often staggering.

In an interview taped last Saturday Ed "Little Ernie" Noid, owner of "We Fix So You Can Git" in downtown Starr, told reporters his customers could expect to pay about $4000 for a factory-warrantied GM replacement engine.

Noid's seen counterfeit GM engines grown from chia substitute sell for as little as $29.95

What's exasperated the problem from a law enforcement perspective is that chia-grown parts have improved to the extent that even experts often find it difficult to tell the difference between a factory-installed transmission, and a mildew lookalike that simply grew in its place. Officials speculate that total revenues for the illicit chia auto parts industry could be as high as $3.7 billion annually.

Enterprising chia chop shops in fungus-friendly climates like South Carolina, Georgia and Louisiana began fabricating crude chia replacement hubcaps and grilles in the mid 1980s after kudzu was found to be an unsatisfactory substitute ... even for easily-manufactured items like carpet and seat upholstery.

Not only did kudzu ultimately prove to be high-maintenance, frequently requiring daily summer trimming. but kudzu was also very susceptible to leaf mold and bag worm infestations. Even kudzu seat cover enthusiasts admit the vine can cause itchy, oozing rashes.

And although the Salvia Columbariae seeds used to fashion chia pistons and engine blocks may seem enviromentally friendly, experts point out there's just no way to predict what may occur during the next 20 years.

Bi-County Tech Computer Science Professor Chaurlyne Orangello confides we may be on the verge of a chia revolution. "Unless the situation changes dramatically ... and soon, I have little doubt we'll see the first counterfeit Chinese chia Ipods on our street corners sometime this year. Then chia-chip computers ... and after that chia motorcycles and chia big screen tvs ... this may in hindsight turn out to be the century of the chia."

Sunday March 26, 1996

Ten years ago today I had the rare opportunity to fly left seat in a World War II-vintage B-17 bomber. The hour logged as Pilot in Command of a B-17 got a full page in my logbook, and so far I've resisted the temptation to pull out the page and have it framed.

The B-17 was a heavy, no nonsense freightcar of a ship. You turned the airplane using muscle, keeping the pressure on the control surfaces with your arms and legs, and waited for the wings and rudder to catch up. In other word, the B-17 had no power steering or hydraulic assist. Still the "Flying Fortress" was high tech hardware back in the late 1930s, and was used extensively for long-range daylight precision bombing missions deep inside Nazi Germany.

Flying at altitudes between 20,000 and 30,000 feet B-17 crews faced the terrifying prospects of death from flak barrages, swarming attacks from German fighters and immediate execution upon capture ... but more than one account I've read said sometimes the worst part of combat was surviving the cold. Even with layers of sheepskin clothing over an oygen mask and an electrically-heated flight suit, waist-gunners stood at open windows in the fuselage behind their .50 caliber machine guns, exposed not just to enemy bullets but also to the frigid blasts of air hurtling past the wings at 200 miles per hour.

If you got wounded, the first step toward survival meant staying alive during the 4-6 hour flight back to base, usually at -40 temperatures, with essentially zero medical assistance.

We'll never, thankfully, see another era where men exchange machine gun fire six miles above the earth with nothing ... not even a pane of glass ... below or between them but thin air.

It's worth remembering what these brave airmen faced, and endured, to preserve our freedom.

"12 O'Clock High" (1949)
http://imdb.com/title/tt0041996/

http://www.390th.org/aircraft/aircraft.htm
http://www.avsim.com/pages/0501/b-17_flight/b-17_feature.html

Stress

How do you cope with stress?

When you feel your stomach knotting into an undercooked pretzel, or the searing headache accompanying the sense of feeling overwhelmed ... do you withdraw to your "quiet place?" Do you try to fix what feels broken by heading for the nearest self-help shelf ... or are you one of the bullies who lash out and attack?

Maybe you handle stress by submerging yourself in staying busy, whether it's putting in extra hours at the office or by smothering the flower beds in a fourth layer of mulch. I have friends who handle financial stress by applying for credit cards and then overspending their new limit.

All those approaches are dead ends and merely prove to me that you're actually a Stress Wimp.

I know your type: You're one of the guys or gals banging the bass drum at the front of the Irritability Parade just because you got a bad haircut. You want the world to notice your anger, but what you need is a new method of coping. Here's two that work: coloring, and blowing bubbles.

Don't laugh. Stress Wimps only laugh when they're fearful of being found out.

I'm just giving it to you straight: Nothing soothes frayed nerves like having a big box of Duane "Dog" Chapman 64-color Bounty Pack crayons in one hand and a Jeff Gordon NASCAR-series Speed King bubble hoop in the other. Nobody in their right mind would tell Dog he has to color inside the lines ... and if you don't like Jeff Gordon, then you need to pack up your minivan right now and take your "Eeh?"s back to Canada.

I can still hear you stress addicts snorting. You're thinking a stressful life is unavoidable for Busy Type-A Men and Women, right? Getting angry and being sarcastic is fun! But think about this the next time you complain to a waitress about slow service: while your food is back in the kitchen getting the cook's best SOT treatment, I'm busy coloring my place mat and have the situation completely under control.

You might be thinking you'd like to stress me out right now by leaving a bunch of stinging Comments down below, but you're way too late. I've already got both hands on the bubble bottle.

So go ahead, wimp. Make my coloring day.


http://www.crayola.com/
http://www.virginiabusiness.com/magazine/yr1998/march98/mybubble.html

Have A Sweet Saturday

Thanks to Tom for passing this along ...


A Single Woman's Prayer

"Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart, and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen"

---I've got about the same emotional depth as a kids' wading pool, but I've seen marriages that can be described this way: a Godly relationship with the right woman is like having a savings account at an emotional bank. With regular deposits and limited withdrawls, she's gonna give you a 500% return on your investment, with minimum monthly maintenance.

Now go out and do something especially nice. Not because you need to, but because you can.